The 12 Stages Of Jealousy That Zoella Makes Us Feel
Our therapist says it's normal...
Apart from the fact that she's a total girl boss, let’s just say there’s more than one reason for the overwhelming jealousy we have of the queen of YouTube…
1. Her Hair
Zoe is hair goals. She had those long flowing natural locks, pulls off ombre like a boss and works a lob like no-one else. Becky with the good hair ain't got nothin' on her.
Even with three zillion extensions we couldn’t get that level of glossy weave.
Jel rating: Le sigh.
2. Her Make-up
It’s no secret that she knows her way around a make-up bag, but the sheer volume of products she has, makes us a little bit angry.
Yeah cool, we’ll just use our mascara until it’s so dry, we could rub it together to start a fire.
Jel rating: Humph
3. Her Instagram
Just like Insta beauties Lauren Conrad and Shay Mitchell, Zoe has an Instagram that makes you feel like you’re account is an ugly, dirty weirdo. Full of white, rose gold and prettiness.
Whereas ours is filled with our mate Katie, drunk in a top hat acting out scenes from Les Mis and cats saying ‘Hang in there’. Insta-fail.
Jel rating: Wah
4. Her Niceness
Being the queen of nice must be super hard work but she’s SO nice, she makes it look as easy as polishing off a family bucket of KFC on a hang.
We, on the other hand, are all rainbows and unicorns until someone gives us the side-eye on the tube. DO YOU NEED SOMETHING?
Jel rating: Eugh
5. Her boyf
The other day Alfie Deyes bought her flowers and Patisserie Valerie baked goods just cos. Then, was beyond gutted when he realised it wasn’t her fave one. They also make our heart hurt at how sweet they are. Eugh.
But hey, being single and crying into a box of maltersers, alone of a Saturday night while watching Zalfie vids is so the same right? RIGHT?
Jel rating: *weeps*
6. Her Clothes
Have you seen how put-together she is? Always. Appaz she gets sent clothes before they hit the shelves and they sell out immediately after. From Topshop to Alexander Wang, she is liiiiv-ing.
There’s rarely a day goes by when we don’t wake up late and roll into work looking like the human version of a morning after. If we don’t have anything on inside out it’s an absolute win. For everyone.
Jel rating: Yeah not bothered. Not bothered at all *cough*
7. Her Free stuff
Every couple of daily vlogs you’ll see Zoe get like three or four massive post bags full of free stuff. From NARS beauty products to miniature dog teepees for Nala. But the true dagger to the heart? She tried a Galaxy duo bar in a vlog and days later was sent an entire box full of Galaxy goodies. *Cries*
We once tried to find the Galaxy Salted Caramel bar for three weeks. Yes, it was our sole focus for three weeks. What of it?
Jel rating: IS THIS REAL LIFE?
8. Her bank balance
Zalfie bought a million pound, five bedroom mansion in Brighton together when she was 24. TWENTY FOUR. She also, appaz, earns £50,00 a month. Kill us.
We do not earn £50,000 a month...or a year...or...*cough*. If we don’t spend our rent money this month on Waitrose and MAC lipsticks, it’s a win.
Jel rating: FML.
9. Her books
Girl Online and Girl Online: On Tour, penned by Zoe, both became bestsellers in the space of no time at all.
We’ve been planning on writing our bestseller for 6 years. Just take at the Notes section in our iPhone. But y’know, Fri-yay drinks and bingeing on Real Housewives is a full-time job in itself.
Jel rating: WHY US? Why do bad things happen to good people?
10. Her pooch
Nala is the world’s cutest and, probs most famous, pug. Sozzle Doug. What other reason do you need?
Our life will never be complete until we have a dog. But our flatmate is allergic so there goes that dream. Thanks for that Laura.
Jel rating: HATRED. (For our flatmate, obvs)
11. Her day–to-day
The other day she hung out with Alfie’s sister, got her eyebrows did, bought a whole bunch of NYX lipsticks in Boots, watched Geordie Shore, opened all her free gifts and then played with her dog and went to bed. All while filming and consequently getting cash dollar. If that’s not the absolute dream then what the eff is?
We went to work and sat at our desks, scanning Kylie Jenner’s app to see when the lip kits would be restocked, did a quiz to see what kind of dog we’d be and tried to avoid our boss. The win of the day was when our friend cancelled our plans so we could go home, switch on Netflix and get into our onesie. NOT THE SAME.
Jel rating: We can’t even
12. Her Squad
Zoe counts a zillion amaze vloggers in her closest circle. Imagine Tyler Oakley, Joe Sugg, Caspar Lee and Tanya Burr being on your speed dial. Hangin’ with the crew at opening nights, glam award shows and hitting Coachella in a private jet. YES PLEASE.
The closest we get to hanging out at premieres is flicking through Channing Tatum’s Instagram as we watch Magic Mike XXL on DVD for the seventh time this week.
Jel rating: Dead
And the most jealous-inducing thing about her? That we are this filled of burning envy and we still just wanna be her BFF.